Chafing Dish that will Leave You Chafing

Here's the recipe for CHAFING DISH HORS D'OEUVRE. I knew you couldn't wait to read more fine recipes from this great cookbook. You're welcome!

I'll use dried-blood-coloured ink to give you that authentic, meaty feeling. The designer has bloodlike gouts of red decorating every page in irregular bursts. Yum.
But now to the meat of the matter. Literally. Guten Appetit!

Show your pretty dish
off to advantage. Keep the hors d'ouvre hot during pre-dinner relaxation
hour.

2 packages SWIFT'S
PREMIUM BROWN N' SERVE SAUSAGE
2 cups (20 fluid oz.)
applesauce (pureed)
1 ounce red cinnamon
candies or 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 drops red food
coloring

Cut each link into 4 to 5
pennywise slices. Brown and heat in the skillet. Shake the pan to turn them so
they brown evenly. Place a toothpick in each sausage piece. PLace applesauce,
candies, and coloring in a chafing dish, then heat until candies are
dissolved. Add browned sausage pieces pick side up to the sauce. Serve
hot.

(There's no mention of an antidote. And this cookbook has never been used. I can see why.)

Now to what Lily Tomlin, as Ernestine the telephone operator, used to call the "Piece of Resistance"--FROSTED CANNED HAM. This recipe isn't really that different from a Baked Virginia ham though it substitutes 'lemon jelly powder' for honey or maple syrup. It's the name of the dish that makes me want to retch. I had an irrepressible mental image of a ham covered with white artificially-flavoured vanilla icing with cherries on top (the recipe in fact does call for strawberries as a garnish)

I think that the pre-relaxation-hour gave guests time to prepare to face the horrid reality of the 1956 Swift-inspired dinner table.
Most of the hors d'ouvres recipes tell you to use a 'pick' to hold them together ("Wrap Swift's Bacon around Cracker. Secure with pick")
Maybe they should use an icepick? Pickaxe? Pickup truck?
Who knows. They might taste good.